Replace Praise with Gratitude - It’s Practically Parenting Magic

How does replacing praise with gratitude help my child respond better to me?

Have you ever thought “I expect that praising my child and being positive will win their respect and obedience.”- ? This misconception is easy to fall for, because it is so close to the truth. 

Recently, I was talking with a friend who is a notably engaged and loving mother of 3. She paused our conversation when her 7 year old daughter approached her to ask permission to do an activity. Clearly, the answer she received was disappointing and bedtime was moments away. With slight exasperation, the mother divulged that her daughter had been producing more challenges than usual for her parents while people like her teacher and friends’ parents raved about her daughter.

To all parents, this is relatable at one time or another. Yet, the natural reaction of parents around the world is not yet entirely productive in these situations - parents have struggled with this behavior from their children for centuries, and continue to struggle today. 

The common expectation is that the child will grow up and change, and the parent-child relationship will improve. While this is true, I have found that a few small, doable changes produces more enjoyment in the relationship, and peace at home, earlier than adult onset.

My child’s non-(or-poor)-responsiveness seems unconquerable.

Let’s take a look at a core parenting practice. Often, parents think when they praise their child, such as saying, “You run so fast!” “You are so smart!” “You are so strong!”, that this is positive reinforcement of their child’s worth. In the parents’ minds, that should translate into motivation for their child to reciprocate their high opinion of them. Parents then expect their children to value that high opinion and therefore obey or behave well in the home, and elsewhere.

Frustrating disappointment nearly always follows this logic. What is the problem?

The source of power in self-esteem, and a clue to what parents can do to influence their children to want to behave better, is actually taught right in the term itself. The very fact that it is called “self” esteem means that validation of oneself must come from their ability to add value. The natural reward of being able to contribute value is to feel capable. They, in essence, feel grateful for themselves and their own abilities. 

Fluency in gratitude for value helps children recognize other sources of value, such as what gratitude actually means when parents express it, and what opportunities to apply their efforts to that make them a part of bringing good into the world. When they know they have contributed value, they are motivated to continue to look for ways to apply their abilities, almost without much thought.

How do parents engage their children in this pattern of behavior that brings rewards to their children and to their own relationships with them? The answer is so simple, it may surprise you.

Step 1

Replace praise with specific recognition of their ability. 

What do I mean by that? For instance, when your child shows you an art project they made, rather than saying, “You are such a good artist!” comment on the actual work they did, such as, “That detail is really impressive.” Then follow it up with a statement and/or a question that focuses on their effort and the process they went through to achieve their end result such as, “That took some good focus and skill - tell me how you created this!”

Practice

In sports, change “You are so fast!” to “I enjoyed watching you play!”, “How do you feel about your effort?”, “What in your training this week helped you play your position so well today?” Then validate their own assessment with, “I can see how the way you practiced increased your ability to play well and help your team.”

Step 2

Express sincere gratitude for them, and be specific. 

A key to expressing specific gratitude sincerely is feeling your own worth by being in tune with your positive reactions to what your child’s efforts produce. When you see your child’s art project or watch them give it their all in their sport, etc., and you feel your heart invested in the process and outcome, thank them for sharing something that brought you such a great feeling. In this way, you are letting them feel a true purpose of their work, your appreciation. 

Perhaps the next layer deep isn’t so obvious: when you express sincere gratitude, you are exemplifying self worth by revealing the joy you have allowed yourself to feel.

If you feel interested, engaged, rewarded in any way when you see your child’s efforts, you are experiencing a reward. When you connect that reward to the efforts of your child through expressing gratitude, you enforce your child’s participation - that their efforts helped to create a scenario of mutual benefit. 

Practice

Try saying, “You know, I really appreciate all the hours you spent working hard at practice this week. What do you feel you did well?” …”It makes me feel good to see you experience improvement through your efforts on the game field. Thank you! It was great to watch you today.”

This empowers the child to feel their worth by connecting their positive feelings from their efforts to themselves and others, and with the real power behind that all: what they know that has been positively reinforced, that they now know they can reproduce to enjoy yet another good outcome. 

You have enforced their abilities, and even the sacrifice they have made of complacency for productivity through choices they made. 

They now have true understanding from experiencing that they are valued and capable. When they see an opportunity to add value that fits their skill set, they will more naturally act on it.

Apply this to the tougher, more routine stuff of life, please!

So, how does this make homework time, chore time, and bedtime easier between parents and children?

If you want to change your old dialogue, it will take somewhere around 2 weeks to 3 months of consistent “training,” first of parent, then of child, to create a lasting, new, productive communication-response patterns. 

If you do this, though, it is like paying it forward. More effort now brings earlier, greater, more lasting rewards then most of our old, habitual communication patterns.

Simply practice a few statements you can make that express gratitude and appreciation around that interaction that is typically a tense exchange. 

Practice

Let’s take bedtime, for instance. The child is expecting,”It’s time to go to bed.” with the predictable, “Awe, mom!” downward spiral. How would things change if you pulled your child into a hug and, in your own words, said something different than they expected? Something that changed the routine habit of bedtime talk to an opportunity to express gratitude?

Consider saying something to the effect of, “I appreciate you sharing your day with me. I think we had a good morning, you worked really well on your homework, - and, thank you for helping me with dinner when I asked! How did your day feel?” or “I appreciate it when you do what you can to get a good night's sleep. Would you tell me what you know about/what you like about getting ready for bed?” or “Would you tell me how getting ready for bed could be a happy time for you?” Then listen to them and invite them to show you by doing it.

If they struggle with this, ask them, “What would make bedtime comforting to you tonight?”

Hear their answer, and if they complain, answer with, “Shall we wind the day down and enjoy getting ready for bed? I love it when we have time to read a story before we sleep. Would you (like to) do that with me?”

The most important ingredient is your consistent positivity.

It takes a little tweaking to learn what is important to your child and how they receive gratitude. It also takes consistency on your part. Stay calm and positive as you learn and as you find effective language to use. 

Consistently cultivating a peaceful, predictable dialogue around your child’s efforts and responsibilities creates a safe and clear direction for your child to come and change their patterns. 

Although it requires some focus and dedication, you can directly impact your child’s worth and happiness through your leadership as you become a key player in a mutually enjoyable relationship between you and your child. 

You can boost their self-worth and create the attribute of responsibility in your child because responsibility - or positive responses to your parenting - are a natural product of validating them as a capable and valuable person rather than their end results. While the results of children’s efforts are important, they fade in time. 

People are the lasting outcome and must be the focus of the investment. 

Gratitude and sincere, specific acknowledgement are the keys.

Taking it Home

Take some time to think through any praise you may have delivered to your children in the last week. How could you change the praise you gave into a statement of gratitude?

How could that have impacted your interaction with your child?

What might that have done to strengthen your child going forward?

What events are coming up in your family’s schedule this week where you can plan for opportunities to express gratitude toward individuals and their efforts?

What effect could that have as you commit to express more gratitude this week?

As always, let me know how it works for you, and what other questions come up for you!